I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize