; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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