Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
