It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
