Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
