I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
