He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
