Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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