i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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