Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
