he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
