Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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