last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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