Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if i died would you start the facebook group?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
