Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
