Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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