How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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