come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
