She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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