My Higher Power is John Stamos
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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