Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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