U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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