I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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