We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
