A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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