I think my vagina is haunted
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
