watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
