I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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