You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
