Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
