I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
