sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
