I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
