Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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