You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
