I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize