My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize