How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
