walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
