under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
