I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
