yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
