She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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