Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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