I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
