woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
