broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
