I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My orgasm happened in two different decades
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
