dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
