My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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