apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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