when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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