is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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