I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
