You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
