I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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