Please, let me fuck your mom
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
