I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
