There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
