Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
