So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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