Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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