i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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