I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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